Neil, you probably already know that the big cottage industry now is pictures of famous peoples' babies. There's probably already a fat figure being floated around Hollywood to the snapper that gets you holding those twins like they're a pair of Butterball turkeys. As a father, you probably want to protect the kids from the blinking glare of the uninvited photographers. Still you know that this is part of the fame game to do the "we're a normal family" pose when caught in public. But you don't want the kids to think that this attention is normal. How do spare your kids from sacrificing them to the OK Magazines of the world?
I'd refer you back to an episode of your TV show - hire twins to play your twins. There's a lot of families eager to get their kids in showbiz. What better break can they have then renting your their twins to get them acclimated to what it'll be like when they're the next Lohans. Rent their kids the day before you're supposed to leave the hospital with your real children. Let the press go nuts. Next day you sneak back to the hospital and pick up the real babies. It's not like the photographers can tell one set of babies from another. They all look like cabbage patch kids wrapped in blankies. And every few weeks, call up the other couple to rent out their kids for outings that will let the press think you're friendly without turning your kids into constant blinkers.
If all fails, you can call Rob Bottin to get him to make you a pair of robo babies. That would be best cause then you can pull a Micheal Jackson on the balcony moment without endangering anything except Entertainment Tonight's credibility.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Monday, September 13, 2010
Bottle Booty
In the coming months, you'll be getting lots of free weird gifts. Even if you register for baby stuff, there's going to be some people ignoring the list (cause they don't want to be told what to do) and get you the baby bottle that they like. While it's not nice to reject gifts, don't crack the seal.
Find one bottle and stick with it. Don't mix bottles because you're only going to drive yourself nuts having to keep up with the various nipples, rings and bottles. You'll have to remember which ones you need to clean in special ways. It's just a pain in the butt and time consuming. I don't know if anyone has clued you in, but time is the one thing fathers of twins really don't have. I just have one kid and my free time - and by that I mean time when I can focus on something other than the baby is reduced down to the time it takes to read a TMZ entry. Say good bye to the ability to read Russian novels while making ships inside bottles, Neil. Only thing going in a bottle is formula. The only thing rushing will be the baby to the changing table.
You might want to sample various bottles on the baby, but as soon as you find "the One" - remove the rest from your house. Give them to nice people who also have babies. But don't drive yourself nuts at 4 a.m. trying to remember which ring fits on which nipple. You don't want to give those kids The Milk Bath. They'll never get to sleep and you'll understand why my child's favorite song is the Theme to Three's Company.
Find one bottle and stick with it. Don't mix bottles because you're only going to drive yourself nuts having to keep up with the various nipples, rings and bottles. You'll have to remember which ones you need to clean in special ways. It's just a pain in the butt and time consuming. I don't know if anyone has clued you in, but time is the one thing fathers of twins really don't have. I just have one kid and my free time - and by that I mean time when I can focus on something other than the baby is reduced down to the time it takes to read a TMZ entry. Say good bye to the ability to read Russian novels while making ships inside bottles, Neil. Only thing going in a bottle is formula. The only thing rushing will be the baby to the changing table.
You might want to sample various bottles on the baby, but as soon as you find "the One" - remove the rest from your house. Give them to nice people who also have babies. But don't drive yourself nuts at 4 a.m. trying to remember which ring fits on which nipple. You don't want to give those kids The Milk Bath. They'll never get to sleep and you'll understand why my child's favorite song is the Theme to Three's Company.
The First Tip
After watching Julia & Julie, I've decided the best thing to do with my blog to get major action is to link it to a famous person. Since I've been told that giving fathering tips to Rooney is a bad option, I'm going to share advice with father to be Neil Patrick Harris. I've never met or interviewed the guy. I have no clue if he needs my advice. But I figure who doesn't want advice from a stranger? He's got twins on the way so he's going to need twice the meddling tips. But here is the first thing:
A newborn baby cries for 4 reasons.
The first is they're hungry. They have tiny tummies and need them constantly filled. They hate the sensation of hunger since for their existence, they've been pumped nutrients from their mother's system.
The second is they've pooped in their diaper. Now this is a tricky thing because while hungry is the first reason, a pooped diaper is the faster issue to detect. It only takes a quick butt sniff to know. Detecting a hungry baby requires a visit to the kitchen to mix up the formula or heat up the cold milk. So sniff before thinking bottle.
The third is they want human contact. Babies like to be held sometimes. They like the warmth of your skin. Eventually as they grow older, this focuses onto the warmth of your wallet.
The fourth is they want a new Mercedes. Do not give into this desire. Once you cave the first time, the baby is going to use and abuse you.
I hope Neil Patrick Harris and other expectant fathers follow this simple tip. You might want to print this out in glow in the dark ink so you can run down the check list at 4 a.m. without turning on the lights.
A newborn baby cries for 4 reasons.
The first is they're hungry. They have tiny tummies and need them constantly filled. They hate the sensation of hunger since for their existence, they've been pumped nutrients from their mother's system.
The second is they've pooped in their diaper. Now this is a tricky thing because while hungry is the first reason, a pooped diaper is the faster issue to detect. It only takes a quick butt sniff to know. Detecting a hungry baby requires a visit to the kitchen to mix up the formula or heat up the cold milk. So sniff before thinking bottle.
The third is they want human contact. Babies like to be held sometimes. They like the warmth of your skin. Eventually as they grow older, this focuses onto the warmth of your wallet.
The fourth is they want a new Mercedes. Do not give into this desire. Once you cave the first time, the baby is going to use and abuse you.
I hope Neil Patrick Harris and other expectant fathers follow this simple tip. You might want to print this out in glow in the dark ink so you can run down the check list at 4 a.m. without turning on the lights.
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